All relationships require the sharing of emotional information to stay connected. This information can be shared through small talk, humor, ‘friendly’ gossip, affection, romance, support, problem solving or meaningful conversation (values, goals, worries). It can be expressed by a comment, a question, a request, a gesture, a look or a touch. Intimate communication says, “I am trying to connect with you in this moment.”
Our partner can respond to our attempt at connection in one of three ways:
1. Turning Towards
¨ They react in a positive way with interest, humor or affection.
¨ Every respectful, friendly, interested or loving response adds to the level of intimacy in a relationship.
2. Turning Against
¨ They react in a critical, argumentative, contemptuous, defensive or domineering way. This says:
o Your need for attention makes me angry.
o I feel hostile towards you.
o I don’t respect you.
o I don’t value you or our relationship.
o I want to hurt you.
o I want to drive you away.
3. Turning Away
a. They react by ignoring the other’s attempt at connection or by acting pre-occupied;
b. Repeated turning away says:
i. I don’t care.
ii. I want to avoid connection with you.
iii. I am not interested in your interest.
iv. I’ve got more important things (than our relationship) on my mind.
v. You are not worth my time.
vi. I am too busy to make time for you.
Without intimate communication we feel lonely even in the presence of the other person.
Couples who turn away seem to divorce earlier in their relationship, but most couples who turn against seem to split up eventually.
The cost of an unhappy marriage is high. Studies show that staying in an unhappy marriage increases your chances of getting sick by 35% and shortens your lifespan by an average of 5 years.
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