Al-Anon, The First 3 Steps

While I was looking at the Twelve Steps on the wall at my meeting, I was suddenly aware of the words “admit,” “believe,” and “decide.”

Step One tells me to admit I am powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanageable. Admit it—that’s a big step. To admit I am powerless is to admit that I don’t have control and that can be frightening to me. As the adult child of an alcoholic I want to fix things for everyone, but if I don’t control it, how can I fix it?

This Step brought such relief to me. My life was a wreck. I had seen many counselors and read all the self-help books. I had been unable to change the alcoholic, my situation, or myself. When I realized that I can’t control it, I realized I didn’t cause it either.

Step Two tells me to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. This brought me hope. I had tried so many ways to fix this problem and had gotten nowhere. I was an emotional, physical, and spiritual wreck trying to find a solution to the behavior.

Finally something more powerful than I am would work on this problem along side of me. I now had a chance of restoring my sanity and bringing peace into my life. I stopped looking to the alcoholic for peace of mind.

Step Three asks me to decide to turn my will over to God as I know Him. I have a choice. I can keep doing what I have been doing or I can give up the self-will to control things, fix things, and have things my way. God’s will might not be mine. I have to accept this reality and turn it all over to God.

When my will is God’s will, it is easy to turn things over. The hard part is making the decision to turn my will over to God and accept the circumstances as they are.

I am getting better at working these first three Steps. There are times when I feel weak, weepy, or worried about my life. When those feelings come to my attention, I remember to admit, believe, and decide. Then I always feel better.

By Tamara O., Missouri
The Forum, January 2009

© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Your Journey

I would like to share with everyone on their journey, the following Note from Linda Fitch, The Dean of the Healing the Light Body School, Four Winds:

It is my honor to share the specific steps through ceremony that enable us to break free of our personal dramas and stories. Remember the importance of “attending” to our personal healing, particularly in these unsettling times, which the Mayan’s refer to as the 5th night.

Working at the level of the soul, through ceremony; the language of images instead of words, enables you to make room for who you are becoming. When you attend to your personal healing at the soul’s level, you can break free from the grip of death and fear.

Shamans throughout time have worked with fire ceremony. Use your breath to blow what needs to be “attended to” into an object. With honoring, place the object into the fire to release your personal story to spirit. This unbinds and releases the old story in the same way the light is unbound from the object in the fire as it burns.

Creating a sand painting is another way to work in ceremony to move what feels bound.

The sandpainting process is simple:

• Create a Mandala with items to place around the outside edge to form a “spirit catcher.
  

• Find a stick or offering and use your breath to blow what needs to be “attended to” into the object.
  

• With full intention of honoring the old, place the object into the Mandala or sand painting to allow the earth to help release your personal story.

• You can rework the sand painting as other feelings come up.

• Release everything back to the earth by scattering them, or take the objects to the fire after a short period of time (one day to a week).

The key to both of these ceremonies is to engage the sacred and to be fully present through honoring, to release the old stories. Working at the level of the soul allows a new story to emerge in your life. This is a time for us to make an extraordinary difference in the world.

Linda Fitch, Dean of the Healing the Light Body School

PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actins, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

Intimate Communication

Intimacy between two people is a measure of how and how often we make an attempt at emotional communication and how the other responds to each attempt.

All relationships require the sharing of emotional information to stay connected. This information can be shared through small talk, humor, ‘friendly’ gossip, affection, romance, support, problem solving or meaningful conversation (values, goals, worries). It can be expressed by a comment, a question, a request, a gesture, a look or a touch. Intimate communication says, “I am trying to connect with you in this moment.”

Our partner can respond to our attempt at connection in one of three ways:

1. Turning Towards

¨ They react in a positive way with interest, humor or affection.

¨ Every respectful, friendly, interested or loving response adds to the level of intimacy in a relationship.

2. Turning Against

¨ They react in a critical, argumentative, contemptuous, defensive or domineering way. This says:

o Your need for attention makes me angry.

o I feel hostile towards you.

o I don’t respect you.

o I don’t value you or our relationship.

o I want to hurt you.

o I want to drive you away.

3. Turning Away

a. They react by ignoring the other’s attempt at connection or by acting pre-occupied;

b. Repeated turning away says:

i. I don’t care.

ii. I want to avoid connection with you.

iii. I am not interested in your interest.

iv. I’ve got more important things (than our relationship) on my mind.

v. You are not worth my time.

vi. I am too busy to make time for you.

Without intimate communication we feel lonely even in the presence of the other person.

Couples who turn away seem to divorce earlier in their relationship, but most couples who turn against seem to split up eventually.

The cost of an unhappy marriage is high. Studies show that staying in an unhappy marriage increases your chances of getting sick by 35% and shortens your lifespan by an average of 5 years.

Inca Archetypes

The archetypes are called on to open and hold Sacred Space. They help us by lending us their strength.

The Inca start calling in the sacred space from the south. In the Inca tradition, the following four directional archetypes are called:

South – Sachamama, the serpent: to give the lesson of shedding what no longer serves us as the snake sheds its skin.

West – Jaguar: to teach us to face life and death without fear as the jaguar faces the trials of the jungle.

North – Sewar Kenti, the hummingbird: who teaches us that like the hummingbird, we too can make an “impossible journey.” The north is also the place of the “Old Ones,” our lineage of wise elders.

East – Eagle &/or Condor: to teach us to see the big picture from the high perspective and to strive to fly wing to wing with the Great Spirit.

Mother Earth: to hold us safe. We call on all of her people, the finned, the furred, the feathered, the rock people and the plant people, to work with us in Sacred space.

Father Sun, Grandmother Moon, Star Nations and the Great Spirit to shine their light and wisdom on our medicine space.

INCA FIRE

When laying the Inca fire, the wood is laid out in the form of the Southern Cross. Once the fire is laid, open Sacred Space and light the fire. As soon as the fire is lit, the fire master will initiate the fire chant everyone present sings the fire chant through the entire ceremony.

The Fire Chant deepens the relationship with the fire and helps us be in harmony and balance with the community.

The fire master will make offerings of olive oil and sweet oil to the fire three times. When the fire becomes friendly (and our vibrations match that of the fire), the fire master will approach the fire and place their fire arrow into the flames. Once they have placed their fire arrow into the fire, they will then pass their hands through the smoke and draw energy from the fire three times, first to their belly, then to their heart and then to their forehead.

Once the fire master is finished, they will signal that people present may come up. Ensure that no more than four people are at the fire at one time. Participants offer their fire arrow to the fire, then draw energy three times to themselves.

While a person is at the fire, someone will stand behind them and guard them from intrusive energies which often choose this as a vulnerable time to attach themselves. Wear darker clothing to be invisible to the dark energies.

Always move clockwise around the fire because moving counter-clockwise will unwind the energy.

Once everyone has made their offering, the youngest or the oldest person will then place the pachamama stick into the fire. The pachamama stick represents Mother Earth. Throughout the ceremony it is handed around the circle. Into the pachamama stick, you blow your prayers for Mother Earth, what you want to do for her or what you wish for her.

The fire master will then close the fire and the chanting will cease.

Fire Offering

The fire offering usually consists of three sticks no larger than a pencil. Into each stick blow whatever you are trying to give up; resentment, a vice, a hurt, etc. Offer these to the fire and silently thank the fire for taking this burden from you. Watch your burden be burnt away and travel to the heavens in the smoke.

Read the fire from all four directions for further insight.